We at the PETAL wish to open ourselves to you (Get it? Open PETALS? It’s a lovely metaphor, no?). We know that there are those Spiritual Beings out there who would love to join our community, but are geographically disadvantaged. So, in order to spread our autonomy and love throughout the universe, we joyfully share our spiritual gifts with you through the magic of the internet.
And we’ve even made supporting our efforts easy and painless! Simply click on any advertisement on the page, and Google will send us a small “offering” on your behalf. You don’t even need to buy anything! Supporting your Spiritual Home has never been so easy! We call it our “Click-Tithe” program.
Oh, and if you don’t want to miss a moment of spiritual enlightenment, remember to bookmark us and subscribe to our RSS Feed (the PETAL webnerd Thad wanted me to say that!)
Welcome, Fellow Spiritual Beings!I am happy to enlighten you this fine day!
If you ever come visit our Temple (the People of the Eternal Temple of Autonomy and Love – PETAL), you will have to pass through a residential neighborhood.It’s a nice neighborhood, not too fancy, and the folks there are usually very friendly.
However, there was one older woman who occasionally walked there who had a nasty habit of screaming at cars to slow down.Now, I can admit that I’ve politely asked some of my neighbors to slow down if they are speeding around my neighborhood (I would be devastated if someone ran over my cat, Yogi), but this woman indiscriminately yells and makes rude hand gestures even when cars are driving within the speed limit.I know this, because she’s yelled at me, and I am a very conscientious driver.
The first time she yelled me, I got very upset.I thought, “How dare she raise her voice to me!I’m not even doing anything wrong!”I stopped my car in the middle of the street, rolled down my window, and gently explained to her that I was driving under the speed limit.She then made a rude sign with her hands , and let me know in no uncertain terms what she thought of my driving skills.Well!!Such un-enlightened behavior!!
Flustered by this, I started looking at different routes to the PETAL so that I might avoid being harassed by the mean “finger woman” (as she was now called).But then I thought, “Why should I give this awful person control over me?Why should I let her nasty behavior influence me at all?”And then I came up with a plan…
I did not change my route to the PETAL.Instead, I drove the same way every day, and waited for her to yell at me.Sure enough, a couple of weeks later, there she was.As I approached, I noticed her winding up for the verbal bashing she was preparing for me.And, then, as I drove by, I made eye contact with her, gave her a huge smile, and waved vigorously at her like she was my best friend whom I hadn’t seen in years.I kept it up until I was way past her.For a moment, she looked angry, but then her face melted into confusion.Perhaps she was thinking “Do I know her?!?Is she that cashier at the Food-4-Less?Is she my dental hygienist?I don’t want to piss HER off…“
Whatever it was, it must have worked, because I’ve never seen her again.My guess is that she changed her route to avoid the crazy waving lady.Works for me!
Many of the FSBs at PETAL ask me how I maintain my poise in all situations.They say, “Guru Beti, you always seem at peace with everything.How do you do it?”
I tell them, “Don’t wait for peace to happen to you.Go looking for it, and if you can’t find it, make it!”
Here’s an example of what I mean.
My grandson, Hammish, was staying with me for the weekend a few years ago while my daughter and her husband attended a Grateful Dead show.At 2:16am, I heard what I thought was a soft, high-pitched demonic laugh coming from my living room.I pulled the covers up to my chin and waited.
Again with the mousy demonic laugh, followed by some gibberish.The only plausible explanation I could come up with at 2:16am was that some demonic leprechauns had invaded my living room.Something had to be done.
I crept from my bed and threw my housecoat around me while mentally running through my karate grab arts, wazas and katas.I stole quietly toward the living room.The shrill mumbling continued, but I saw no movement.With my heart racing, I switched on the lamp, and assumed my fighting stance.Nothing.
My search of the living room revealed that Hammish had left his Furby on my chair.It had apparently “woken up”, and was in need of some conversation.The Furby continued to warble while I searched for the “off” switch.A word to the wise: Furbies require miniscule screwdrivers to unlatch the battery compartment.I believe that to be a significant design flaw…
Initially, I felt that my choices were either to
Go out to the garage, search for such a tiny screwdriver in my disorganized tool box, unscrew the battery compartment and release the batteries, thereby quieting the noisy little guy, or
Smash him against the wall.
Being a non-violent spiritual being (and not wanting to have to explain my actions to Hammish the next morning as he tried to piece his broken friend together again), I decided to venture out to the garage.It was now 2:32am.
As I passed through the kitchen on my way to the garage, I noticed that the refrigerator looked sound-proof.Hmmm…Perhaps the freezer…I tucked the chatty Furby in next to Ben & Jerry, and headed off to bed.
Ahhh…Sweet slumber.
The moral here: Don’t let someone (or something) wreck your peace.If someone (or something) is contributing to your loss of peace, do something about it!Don’t wait for peace to find you!Go find it!Make it happen!
At our weekly community pastor’s coffee/chai break, the conversation was centered around the thought that spirituality doesn’t exist in everyday life anymore.Of course, I disagreed.I argued that spirituality could be found everywhere and in everything, depending on how you looked at it.
Preacher Roy from the Church of Living Praise asked me to prove it.He challenged me to find anything spiritual in a piece of modern music.And he got to pick the song.He chose “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot.
I wasn’t familiar with the song, but I’m always up for a good challenge.So I went back to the PETAL Temple, fired up my PC, and looked up the lyrics.Hmmm…
My, my, my, Preacher Roy.What do ya’ll listen to over at the Church of Living Praise?
Nonetheless, here’s my analysis of the enlightened side of “Baby Got Back”:
Sir shows his enlightenment by listening to his inner voice (the small, still voice of God?) rather than outside influences:
I’m tired of magazines Saying flat butts are the thing
AND, he acknowledges that a woman doesn’t need to “surgically modify” her body to be beautiful.A natural body is a thing of beauty:
I aint talkin bout playboy Cuz silicone parts are made for toys
He also shows his spiritual side by tending to poor women who have been abused by their boyfriends:
Some knucklehead tried to dis Cuz his girls are on my list He had game but he chose to hit ‘em And I pull up quick to get wit ‘em
Sir even goes on to say that he wants to take care of these women the way they deserve to be cared for:
I wanna get with ya I won’t cus or hit ya
Oh Preacher Roy, you’ll have to try harder next time.“Baby Got Back” is full of spirituality!It teaches us to care for one another (”I won’t cus or hit ya”), and to disregard outside influences that try to persuade us to only love one type of person (”When it comes to females, Cosmo ain’t got nothin to do with my selection”and ” I’m tired of magazines, Saying flat butts are the thing”).
In Sir Mix-A-Lot, we’ve found a spiritual, enlightened man who is proud to listen to his inner voice (our soul voice or the voice of God?).Bless his heart!
Please feel free to share your comments of my analysis, and remember to Click-Tithe.
As you may remember, FSB Wayne has brought up the subject of having a Peyote ceremony to really dig into our psyche during our Sunday meditation.I had FSB Howard (who used to be a practicing attorney prior to his own legal entanglements) look into the legality of such a ceremony.Here’s what he found out:
Peyote is listed by the United States DEA as a Schedule I controlled substance.
United States federal law (and many state laws) protects the harvest, possession, consumption and cultivation of peyote as part of “bonafide religious ceremonies” (the federal statute is 42 USC §1996a, “Traditional Indian religious use of the peyote sacrament,” exempting only Native American use, while some state laws exempt any general “bonafide religious activity”).
Although many American jurisdictions specifically allow religious use of peyote, religious or therapeutic use not under the aegis of the Native American Church has often been targeted by local law enforcement agencies, and non-Natives attempting to establish spiritual centers based on the consumption of peyote as a sacrament or as medicine, such as the Peyote Foundation in Arizona, have been prosecuted.
Based on that research, we have decided not to have a Peyote ceremony.Instead, next Sunday, we will form four sweat lodges which correspond to our sanctuary seating (patchouli users, sandalwood users, non-bathers, open).I know that the experience won’t be the same as if we had used the Peyote, but at least it will be lawful.
A few months ago, Florrie, one of the little girls in our congregation, brought her dead hamster to our service.Bubbles had died earlier in the week (and was already a little ripe by Sunday), and Florrie asked me to preside over his funeral.
You see, we have a lovely potted palm in the foyer of our sanctuary which we call the “Bereavement Bush”.Many of the children in our spiritual community use it as their personal small-animal burial plot.It is chock full of decomposing hamsters, gerbils, gold fish and even one anorexic ferret.But we always find room for one more of our dearly departed.
During our memorial ceremony, Florrie began to cry.She looked at me, and said, “I’ve been crying so much, I didn’t think I had any tears left.”I took a moment to gather my thoughts before speaking.
“Florrie, tears are like vomit.Even when you think you’re completely empty, there’s always more.”That seemed to make her feel better.
This past week, Florrie brought in a picture of her new hamster, Porker. She was so happy, and I asked her if she loved Porker as much as she had loved Bubbles.That’s when she told me, “Guru Beti, love is just like tears and vomit.There’s always more.”
Please remember to “Click-Tithe” before passing this message on.
Many of you have asked about the nature of our “Click-Tithe” program. You want to know what it is, and how it works. It is our goal at the PETAL to be transparent in our dealings with everyone and everything, so…
Prepare to be enlightened…
The PETAL has worked out a special arrangement with the beneficent behemoth known as “Google”. We allow Google to place advertising on our website (you may have noticed), and, in return, when anyone clicks on an ad, Google sends the PETAL a monetary “offering”! Isn’t that a beautiful arrangement? Our community gets informed about fabulous products and services, and the PETAL gets free money!!
So far, Google has sent us enough “offerings” to have one of our ceremonial drums re-skinned (using all-natural non-animal fiber, which you must know is significantly more expensive than an actual animal hide, but is much more humane and in keeping with the PETAL values of autonomy and love).
Now, don’t you feel more enlightened? I know I do.
Namaste…
Guru Beti
PS. Please remember to Click-Tithe before leaving our website!
Blessings to you, Fellow Spiritual Beings (FSB)!As you know, FSB Claire has “aroma issues”, and has requested a change in our seating policy.A poll was taken during our service on Sunday, and the congregation agreed to the following seating sections:
The front right-hand section will be reserved for those FSBs who regularly use patchouli incense.
The front left-hand section will be reserved for those FSBs who regularly use sandalwood incense.
The rear right-hand section will be reserved for those FSBs who refrain from using deodorant and/or bathing.
The rear left-hand section will be open seating with the understanding that you aren’t allowed to whine about your neighbor’s fragrance.
I look forward to seeing (and smelling) you all on Sunday!
When the church leaders in our town meet for coffee (or chai), all of the “normal” pastors want to know about our beliefs here at the PETAL (The People of the Eternal Temple of Autonomy and Love).I explain to them that we find truth in many different spiritual belief systems, but they don’t like that answer.Then they ask me lots of questions, trying to trip me up.One of their favorites is “Is sex bad?”
So I’ve decided to answer the question, once and for all, for everyone to hear.
Is Sex Bad?
Well, sex is kinda like pizza and Chinese food.When it’s good, it’s good.And when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.There are, of course, exceptions to all three.As a matter of fact, the food down at our local Chinese restaurant is so bad, I abstain from it.I have yet to find a pizza that bad.
But I don’t think that the essence of their question is “Is Sex Bad”, but “Is Sex Wrong”?
And here is the definitive answer from a bona-fide Spiritual Guide:“It depends.”
Now, you may be thinking, “Hey, Guru Beti.That’s just a lame answer.”But it’s not.Let me explain.
Here at The People of the Eternal Temple of Autonomy and Love, we believe in, well, autonomy and love.Autonomy can be defined as “self-rule” or “self-government”.(Really.Look up the synonyms for autonomy.I’m not kidding.)If we are self-ruling and self-governing, and we think sex is bad and wrong, then sex is bad and wrong.But if we think sex is as good as Chinese food and pizza, than sex is good.You see, it depends.
Namaste…
PS. If you did not like this week’s spiritual message, please Click-Tithe an advertisement at the top of the page. If you DID like this week’s spiritual message, please Click-Tithe an ad in the middle of the page.
Meet Guru Beti!
Blessings, Fellow Spiritual Beings (FSB)! I am happy to enlighten your Spiritual Path! Please feel free to use this forum to share your spiritual comments and questions with me. Namaste...
